The L-word

No it's not lesbian. Or lesbians. Or love. It's laziness.
[Please excuse my gratuitous Scott Pilgrim reference.]

See, I am an extremely lazy person. I had the name Pancake Thoughts for at least six months before I finally said, "screw it" and published a post. So, that goes to show how lazy I can be.

It has been a serious problem my whole life, except that there weren't many consequences. The only consequences for skating by that I can remember is that I took two online AP courses. They were the worst classes I have ever taken in my life. And I have voluntarily taken extra language courses. Only people from Grady will understand this, but those two classes were even harder than Lee's Comm Law course. I actually enjoyed Comm Law because I had these to compare it to. I did not do particularly well in them. But they were just like college and they taught me how to get by in college, without really pushing myself too hard.

This is not to say I never try. I spent countless hours in editing and animation labs. I was the first to arrive and the last to leave so many times. I worked through college and commuted over an hour (one way). But I have never pushed myself to be super organized, or do the extra credit, or do extracurriculars. I had opportunities and time and I kind of wasted it.

So, after my plan to do small goals each month as part of my 14 resolutions for 2014 did not go well this first month (this month was doing a raw till four diet - it did not happen), I began to feel like this year was just going to be like any other. Except not, because I had no school. Not homeschooling, not tech school, not college. I had work - Starbucks. I would be half-heartedly applying to big girl film jobs and wishing I could apply to others, like animation or story-boarding. My excuse would be "I don't have anything good for a portfolio," "I wasn't an animation major," and "I don't have time to work on my portfolio." My parents would ask me at least once a week what my plans were and I would stress about it.

Then, the other night, I realized something. I am incredibly lazy. I eat poorly because I don't want to cook. Because I'm lazy. My room is messy because I don't want to put things away immediately. Because I'm lazy. I don't exercise. I don't write. I don't film things. I don't animate. I don't...
I could go on forever. But I won't.
And not only do I not do these things but all of my problems stem from the fact that I don't do them. I'm chubby because I don't eat well or exercise. My mom and I fight because I don't clean up anything at home. I don't have portfolios or any experience to get a new job because I never work on or finish projects. I don't apply because I don't have experience, so my parents and I fight about that too. It's a vicious, awful trainwreck of a cycle. It's like riding on a lightcycle and you're about to block yourself in - if you don't turn away right now, you're going to crash and die and game over.

So, now I am attempting to be less lazy. It is a mental thing, and it's going to take effort. I made a meal completely from scratch that did not involve bottled sauces. I went for a walk because I was not so sure about running when everything is covered in snow. No, I haven't fixed everything. My room still needs work (though it has improved). And I have no idea what my future holds. But I am working on it. And doing something is better than nothing.

Thanks for making it all the way through the end to this, guys. It was a little long. And background laden. Betcha didn't know I was homeschooled from that one previous post, did you?